In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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