I'm sorry my penis didn't work
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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