I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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