Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
