I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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