I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my shit smells like andre
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
