Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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