If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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