I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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