You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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