What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
