I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
