Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
