The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
