So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
