I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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