we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
