I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
