No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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