Welp...herpes.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
