Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
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the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
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I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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