hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
We have started to decorate penises.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
