my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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