remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
