there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
