theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
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Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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