He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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