New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
