i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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