I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
