I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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