he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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