I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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