I'm so fucking centered right now
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
