What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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