I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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