Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
My life is pants optional.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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