It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
