I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
