Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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