bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize