No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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