Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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