I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
