turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Randomize
