god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize