I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
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if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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