someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
...so i touched it.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
