tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
