I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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