Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
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