Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
