if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
