Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
