Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
