either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
