if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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