im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
