Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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